Let the rollercoaster begin...

We had a long night last night - it certainly wasn't boring...and not boring in the ICN is not good. The xray I'd mentioned in the previous post looked good. It was taken about lunch. The nurse practitioner was pretty content with it, so it caused me no alarm. They weren't able to take him of the cpap, so I wasn't able to hold him.

Later in the evening, Matt got here and we had dinner together...then headed into the ICN to see Logan. They had just done another chest xray, because his breathing had become even more rapid and they were waiting to get it back from radiology. Within minutes, his bedside was swarming with dr's, nurses, respiratory therapists, etc. The neonatologist showed me the xray - his pneumothorax had not healed itself and the air trapped in his body had increased a lot and was putting tension on his heart, shifting it over even more to the left. Never a good thing. They gave Logan some morphene and a few other medicines to sedate him, then put the ventilator in. Once that was in, they put a chest tube in to let the air leave his body. We were told when they were finished and went back to see him. At first sight, it was horrible to see the chest tube in his little body. It looked so painful. He was still knocked out from the pain medications/sedatives, but soon after started to jerk awake. The doctor wasn't leaving his side, making sure that as the next set of issues arrived, he would be there to make a split second decision.

After several theories of what was going on, the dr. decided to put Logan on a different type of vent..an ocillating one. That combined with some medications was supposed to let his lungs relax enough to help the pneumothorax heal along with increasing blood pressure to get the blood to flow through his lungs like it's supposed to, as opposed to bypassing the lungs altogether because of pulmonary hypertension. It was a lot to absorb, so I'm sure I'm missing bits and pieces.

It was getting late, and I needed to get my pain medications, but as soon as we decided that we would leave him, he started trying to cry over the vent. It was so sad...and the look on his face was complete distress. There was no way I could leave with him in pain...so we waited another 20 minutes for them to give him some more morphene so that I would know he wasn't hurting. That's another one of the worst feelings in the world...seeing an baby that small and helpless in pain. We left the ICN around midnight. I went back in at 3 to check on him and he was doing much better, so then I was able to sleep a few more hours.

It was one of those nights where everything is happening in a whirlwind and it is terrifying. You know in the back of your mind that everything is going to be fine, and that most likely, the next day or two will be calm...but that doesn't get rid of the fear/worry at that exact moment.

This morning, I went in to him still being on the vent...but breathing much, much more easily. His latest xray showed his lungs with no extra air around them. Also, an echo was done of his heart and it looked really good too. He was still very uncomfortable, so they are alternating a dose of morphene with a dose of a retrograde amnesia causing medicine, that way he has no recollection of the pain. Tests came back negative for pulmonary hypertension, so they are able to stop the dopamine. Also, his O2 levels were good, so they started lowering him off the vent. The last time I was in there, they had taken him down to 35% O2 (vent setting) and room air is 20% O2...

I haven't checked on him in 3 hours...and a lot can change in such a short time. I hope he's having a very boring evening. Matt's on his way now to bring me a cool wrap from chick-fil-a (much better than hospital dinner) and then we'll go see our little man.

I'm discharged tomorrow. I have such mixed feelings about it. I've been away from home for almost 2 weeks, and that means away from my house, my bed, my things....and most importantly, my family. I miss Aislynn so badly I can't even describe it. I know when I get home, I'm still not going to really be able to take care of her, b/c I need time to recover from my c-section and I'll be going back and forth to the hospital a few times a day to try to feed/spend time with Logan too. But, just being home w/ Matt, Aislynn and even Molly will be great. It's going to be a really hard day tomorrow though. You come to the hospital pregnant, have a baby...and leave without the baby. There's just something not right about that picture. It's going to feel like my heart is torn...I can already feel the lump that's growing in my throat, just thinking about it. It will be nice to be home, though. Ok..I feel a meltdown coming on, so I'll leave it at this for now. If I'm missing out on something, or you don't quite get what I'm saying...just send me an email or something. I don't mind at all.